Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
