he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the day after is always just damage control
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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