How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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