you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
