So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
