i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
The best revenge is premature balding
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
