I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She told me I should be a condom model.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
