did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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