either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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