you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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