Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
