i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
