so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
