he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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