"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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