my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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