You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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