i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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