shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
