I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
