dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
