Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
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