bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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