I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
