I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
