I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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