So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
a search helicopter?!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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