I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
