my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
