How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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