i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My ass is underappreciated
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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