i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
