can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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