your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
