She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
