His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
