Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You pole danced in your parka.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
