I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
