Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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