do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
