jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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