UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
