Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
