dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
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So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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