47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
