Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
high people should be assigned attendants
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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