Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
