Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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