Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
