You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
