Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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