That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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