Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
