I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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