Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
