Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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