Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
