He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
