I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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