i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
