I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
