he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
