I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
