I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
