Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
