I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
