gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
